[don't read if you are going to ask any questions...]

but before the show (during the dae) when i was all alone.. i felt sianz and i begin to think.. i felt that i am really a lousy person... can't seems to do anything right.. and probably one phrase fits me the best.. in chinese.. "我这个人只有一个缺点..那就是我没有优点..." haiz.. no matter what.. i just can't strike a balance.. and i always seems to be extreme.. when i felt that the more i do.. the more mistake i will make.. i will end up not doing anything.. when i felt that i am not doing anything and i needa do something.. i ended up doing too much... and the best part is.. i can't accept myself for that.. i look for things to put the blame on.. i am such a loser right?? how long more do i need to learn?? i can't wait.. but nature seems to be playing a trick on me... when i felt that i am doing well.. i ended up being to confident.. and i fell and hit a stone right on my knees.. ouch.. why am i taking so long to learn something that is simple? i questioned myself.. i am being too complacent.. too lazy.. or what?? and there is like an angel and devil.. fighting inside me.. i really felt terribly bad... i dunno how to undo what things that i have done.. don't think time will be able to help much.. and best of all.. i dunno how to face them again.. i fear.. stress.. no matter how much reasurance i could get that things can be handled.. but i felt that i am dead.. i lost confident in myself.. i wanna run and hide away.. but it doesn't help.. i felt trapped.. its a new battle in me that i have to fight... will saying more prayers help?? i shall pray that my prayers will help.. sad... wish to go back to when i was just 5.. and am being carried on my mum's arm.. i have had nothing to worry.. at the same time being precious..but then.. life have to move on.. and here i am.. being 20 and still cry like a baby....... its all i, me and myself.. nothing much.. life should just goes on..